The Greta Feinburg Assault

In July 2009, I decided I needed to play a prank. My best friend, we'll call her "Debbie", was down. I thought a bit about how I could cheer her up, and then she accidentally and without knowledge slapped me in the face with a brilliant idea. She posted an ad on craigslist hoping to sell a dresser because she was moving. She put the information up on her gmail account, so I saw it and looked at it. I didn't need a dresser, but I did need to completely fuck with her day... so I did. My real name is not Greta, thank goodness, and the email address, "ticklemekitten@gmail.com" was made up for the sole purpose of this creepy prank. Here's how it played out: 


I will be this color, and she will be this other color


Hi. I saw your ad for your dresser on craigslist, and I'm interested in hearing more about it. 

How did you acquire this dresser, and what on earth is making you want to sell this lovely piece of art?

I have some ideas regarding its possible use, and it just might be the perfect fit for my 1930's vintage furniture obsession. 

Thanks, and I hope to hear from you. I'm a paraplegic, so I am often on my computer. Cheers. - Greta

Hi, Greta

Thanks for your interest. I bought the dresser last year from a man whose mother had passed. He was selling much of the furniture from her estate and I happened upon this beautiful piece. 

I am selling it because it just won't fit into the apartment I am about to move into. I am pretty sad about giving it up, actually. I love the dresser. I might have mentioned in the Craigslist Ad but it reminds me of a treasure chest. It is really special and I'm sure has tons of history that I'm not even aware of. 

I would love to see it go to a good home, so let me know if you are interested in buying it. Out of curiosity, what would you use it for?  

Hope you have a nice one, 

"Debbie"

Thank you, "Debbie". What a beautiful name. How authentic and unique. 

Well, I have a few ideas about how I could make use of this furniture. I have a rather large collection of kitten calendars that need to be stored. I love kittens, and I would hate to get rid of them. 

I'm also an active member of the BDSM community, and I like to host parties. As a person without leg usage, you can imagine that I'm submissive. But not always. I like to dominate from my rascal scooter. I have some medieval whips and chains that needs some storing, as well as my swing. It would be great to disguise my collection in the dresser since I have a roommate who is a practicing christian and does not approve of BDSM, and does not know about it. 

I am also interested in the mirror function, and would be interested to see how the detailing in the mirror shapes my body. You say it reminds you of a treasure chest? I'd like to put some of my treasures in that chest. I also have a large pornography collection. My roommate does not appreciate my porn fetishes, so hiding it is a must. Currently, all my toys, lube, and plastic devices are hidden in her extra closet, and I think it's time to move them.

Would you be interested in helping me move it? I have a large 3 story apartment, and an elevator, so it could be easy. My paraplegia, which was caused from a fall out of a sex swing at a swingers party, makes it hard for me to do many activities, and my rascal scooter just won't do.

I figured I would be honest with you and tell you about my intent to use the dresser. Even if you're not interested in selling it to me, I'd love to hear back from you, just so I have some peace of mind. Cheers. - Greta

Greta

Wow, that was a lot more information than I needed. I'm just trying to sell a dresser. You are entitled to do whatever you like in the privacy of your own home and I don't judge you for any of it but was it really necessary to divulge such details to a stranger? I don't think drawers stuffed with kitten calenders, African Porno and whips is the fate I imagined for this dresser but really the issue is that I cannot help you move it. Sorry. I don't have a truck. But, since you like kittens, please enjoy the attached photo of my cat, "Dinosaur". 

Enjoy yourself, Greta, and be careful in your swing! 

"Debbie"

"Debbie" attached her photo of her cat, who I've met many times, and am friends with. 

"Debbie", I appreciate your honesty. My lifestyle is unique, and I understand it's not the destiny you had in mind for your pretty dresser. "Dinosaur" is cute. I would like a "Dinosaur" calendar, and then maybe rub some lube on his fur and take him with me to watch in my kink adventures. I'd send you a photo of me, but I have a feeling you already know what I look like. Cheers. - Greta



I sent a follow-up email a little bit later with a that just said "ENJOY!!!!!". I included photo of me. It was a photo of me making out with a bubble machine in the shape of a hippo. I'd post it, but then you'd see my stupid face, and my anonymity would forever be shattered. 

While all of this was going on, "Debbie" was chatting with her mother and sending her mom the emails. At one point, "Debbie" called me to tell me how freaked out she was about the whole thing, and forwarded me all the messages. Not only did "Debbie" email her mother and call me, but her mother emailed EVERYONE SHE WORKS WITH a copy of the email chain. Again, they didn't know it was me until the very last email. The whole thing took about 2 hours, and then "Debbie" called me in hysterical happy tears and said, "Fuck you, Mischief! My ribs hurt from laughing!" It was amazing. 


Side note: This "Debbie" is still my best friend, and sometimes we talk about Greta as if she's real. There's bound to be a paraplegic Jew living in NYC who has a kitten obsession and likes BDSM. 


Now, I have to give credit where credit is due. My friend, "Cheryl", was also there with me, and was somewhat helpful in mastering this slew of emails. So there, "Cheryl"! You have your shout out and now everyone will know that you helped. Also, me and "Debbie" have a best friend named "Carlos" and he was kind of in on it too. But I'm gonna take most of the credit because I'm an asshole and I was the brains behind this awesome operation.