If you're not bored already...

Here's a small list of things that have happened recently:

-I spilled enchilada sauce on my computer at 2:30 am.
-My cat barfed in my running shoe. That is precisely how a cat says "fuck you".
-I got impregnated by Justin Bieber at one of his shows in a backstage bathroom. Abstinent my ass.
-I stabbed myself in the hand with the IV line I had just pulled out of my cat. I hope I don't get feline AIDS.
-I cried in a bookstore while I just happened to be in the self-help section. (Crying and location unrelated)
-I fell asleep while cooking chicken soup. I was awakened hours later by the smoke alarm. That was a refreshing smell to encounter for the following 4 days.
-I accidentally wrote "Raped" instead of "Rapid" in a post that went out to my whole class. "Raped Interpretation of EKG's!" Regardless of raped or rapid readings, EKG's make me feel stupid.
-I cheerfully got into a conversation with two very nice people while walking Meatball and discussed cats and dogs, and then they tried to convince me to follow their path as a Jehovah's Witness. Apparently, telling someone you're essentially an atheist Jew just fuels their proselytizing mission. I wanted to say "Listen, people. I'm a booze drinking, compulsive curse word using, sarcastic, Jewish 28 year old who has better things to do than wander door-to-door with books "From God" on weekend mornings. If you wanna come to my house on a Saturday, I'll make sure I answer the door not wearing any pants, PBR in hand with a straw in the top for my convenience. Oh, and thanks for seamlessly transitioning the conversation from fluffy dog to that pamphlet that will change my life that you happen to have in your purse. Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I have sinned about 34 times already today, and I don't feel like apologizing for any of it." Instead, I wasn't a dick, and I felt good about that.
-A flight attendant on a 6 hour Delta flight sang part of "Shoop" over the intercom.
-I started a blog.
-Meatball decided to have a cat turd snack on my bed.
-Kim Kardashian got divorced, which has me in total shock, and I'm sad.
-I realized I like coconut water. Turns out it's helpful after drinking something else I like: champagne.
-I declared I was having "sober November" and made it all the way to November 5th.
-I watched a G-tube get placed so nutrition can go directly to the stomach, bypassing the mouth and esophagus. This procedure is for sick people, not lazy people.
-I bought my first bag of turkey meatballs.
-I made a "workout log". It asks "How did you feel after your workout?" My response on the first day was "Tired, hungry, nap time?" I'm a 6 year old.

I promise my next post won't just be about me. Right now, I'm in a selfish phase and kind of dumbed down from excessive reading and note-taking. I fly home for a family wedding next week (!!!!!!), so I'll have about 11 hours total on a plane over the weekend to come up with something a little less likely to cause you to slip into a vegetative state. Until then, bye.