Family is a four letter word

I went home for a family wedding this weekend. My Chinese/Native American/Mexican/Swedish cousin married a lovely man from Guinea, Africa. I hope they have children as soon as possible, and I also hope they'll let me name it. If it's a boy, then it will be named after his father, which I'm assuming is tradition. If it's a girl, this is when I'll put in my two cents. Since she'll be like... quad-racial or something, she will need a name that really captures all of her essence. The name I've come up with for her is: Dao-ming (shining path) Hantaywee (cedar tree) Espiridiana (basket maker) Hedvig (female warrior) Adio (born on a Monday). Should she be born on a Tuesday, then her 5th name would be Adowa, but we'll get to that later. So translated, her name would be: Dao-ming Hantaywee Espiridiana Hedvig Adio/Adowa, and it would  mean: Shining Path Cedar Tree Basket Maker Female Warrior Born on a Monday (or Tuesday). I think that flows nicely. So to my cousin and her new husband, CONGRATS, and thanks for letting me name your child.

While I was looking up the meaning of names, and trying to come up with one that would emulate how perfect this child would be, I stumbled upon some other options for parents to help themselves name their children. In case these parents have no imagination, and are somehow over the names Aiden, Aaden, Aidyn, Jayden, Jaiden, Jaden, Caden, Kayden, Kaiden, Drayden, Brayden, Braedyn, Braydin, Jaxson, Jayelle, Jaylee, Braylynn, Brynlee, Brynley, Briley, Brooklyn, Kaylee, or any other name you might see on Toddlers and Tiara's, then this extra help might come in handy. Some helpful categories include: Calendar names, Superhero names, Harry Potter names, Earthy names, Celebrity Baby names, (gets my vote for worst category), Colors, Comedian names, Fun names, Cool names, Cowboy names, Cowgirl names, Tolkien character names, War Hero names, Twilight names, Trendy names, Sports names, Soap Opera names (gets my vote for best category), Real Celebrity names, Preppy names, Places, Pioneer names, Pirate names, Occupational names, Disney names, Cute names, Holiday names, Movie Star names, and Numbers.

Now, I have not had a child, but I've had the opportunity to name a pet or two. I thought, "is this pet going to get made fun of at the playground in second grade because of its name?" "Are teachers going to hate me because I spelled my kid's name 'Madissyn' instead of 'Madison' or 'Neveah' instead of 'Heaven' because you totally wanted to be clever?" I've spent some time with little kiddos, and here are just some of the names I've encountered:
Lily and Paisley for twins. You have a flower, and a flower print.
Semaj: It's just James spelled backwards.
Krystalynn: Sounds like something you might illegally cook and then smoke in your basement.
Nichael: Because the M may have been one angular line too many.
Sierra and Sienna: Twins. No.

I have also heard of people naming twins "Aiden" and "Nadia" Reverse the names and boom, you've outdone yourself. There's also Hope and Faith, Mia and Mya, London and Paris, Faith and Grace, Chloe and Zoe, Jada and Jade, Serenity and Trinity, Heaven and Neveah, Taylor and Tyler, Jayda and Jayden, Brian and Brianna, Oliver and Olivia, Jayla and Jaylen, Jayden and Jaylen, Isaac and Isaiah, Joseph and Joshua, and Arianna and Brianna. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PARENTS?! Many of these names are not inherently bad... (Neveah, Jayden, and Serenity are among the worst.) I'm even named one of the names on this Twins List, although I'm not super stoked on it. Sorry mom, and dad. I know you tried. And I appreciate you not naming me Brittany or Tiffany or Briella. Anyway, back to twins. Pairing one name for a twin with another name for the other twin that is almost the exact same makes parents look irresponsible and lazy. It's like "Hey, we came up with one name, and then thought about it from a slightly different angle, and went with that one too." Good job.

And then there are the folks that have a zillion kids, and ALLLLL of them start with the same letter. Take the Duggar's for instance. We have noble and hair-sprayed patriarch: Jim Bob. He's no rocket scientist, but he knows how to keep his hair in its own self-contained helmut. His wife, Michelle, is the only outcast in the family whose name does NOT start with the letter J. And then we have the following 19 little people they created. Oh, and there is a 20th on the way. If they don't name it with a J-name, then there is no God. So here we go. They have Joshua, Jana, John David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, (whyyyy????), Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedediah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace and Josie. If I may suggest a name for the 20th J-baby, I suggest "Jose" or "Juan" or "Jeffrey" or "JAYDEN!!!!". The oldest, Josh, is married and has two kids. They have Mackenzie and Michael. I hope the "M" names go on for the next 18 kids... or 19 if they wanna outdo their parents. I've also seen specials on TV with parents who have quintuplets or some insane amount of kids with the same birthday. This one family has quints and the girls are Kendall, Kaydence and Kassidy. Pay no mind of the fact that two of these names inherently begin with a "C". Then there are the Gosselin kids. The girls are Alexis Faith, Hannah Joy and Leah Hope. I'm glad they crammed, Hope, Faith and Joy in there!

That ends my name rant. Well, no. I have one more. When I was born, back in the early 80's, my name wasn't even in the top 200 names. Now it's 4th. Great. And damn you, Shakespeare....

Moving on. I stumbled across this gem earlier today while perusing the news on CNN. Great journalism here, but hey, at least it's not Fox News.

I was so pleased with this article. Not only did it make me laugh, but I now know what to do in case I accidentally eat dog poop. That reminds me of this time when I was a child... an age that I don't remember, as I was potty trained before I could form long-term memories, (crappy hippocampus), but still enjoy this story. Somewhere around the age of 2 - 2.5, I was super stoked that I made bears in the toilet, so apparently I ran to grab my mom to show her this creation and exclaimed: "LOOK MOMMY!!! A BIG DOG POO!" At that young age, I equated myself to a dog, and that probably led me to believe that it was okay to poop where I wanted, and even more importantly, it was totally kosher to barf wherever I wanted. I was a toilet phobic kid.... still am, and a barf phobic kid... still am. According to my mother, every time I would get barfy, I'd take off naked all over the house, hauling ass like the grim reaper was after me. I'd pause, barf, and run. Pause, barf and run. Repeat. Fast forward a decade. Food poisoning in a hotel bathroom in Israel. Why barf in the toilet when there's a perfectly good floor next to it? Fast forward 6 years. Drive and barf. Same concept as run and barf, but with a license. Fast forward 4 years. New Years Day 2006. Sit in parents bathroom and barf in trashcan. I'd never taken the garbage out from my parents' bathroom before, but I figured this was a good time to start. My dad asked "Why are you taking the garbage out?" I explained that I yarfed in the can, and my mom replies "Well, you shouldn't have had so much to drink last night, don't ya think?" Thanks, mom. It was 8:30 at night by that point, and it hadn't yet dawned on me that this happy-new-year barfathon was triggered by some poor life choices from the last moments of 2005. 

And lastly, when I was 3, my parents had some guests over, and I believe my sweet paternal grandparents were there too. I was sitting my duff on the floor, being cute, and then I tugged on a man's pant leg and yelled: "DO YOU HAVE A PENIS?!?!?!" A little curiosity doesn't hurt, and at least I knew what to expect the first time I encountered one at age 23. 

I mentioned poor life choices earlier with the new years boozathon followed by new years day barfathon... so to keep in line with making bad life choices, this little photo illustrates just how poor I think the choices are for the GOP race. (See how seamless that transition was? Barf talk turns to male anatomy talk, turns to GOP douchebaggery talk.) Naturally, as a life-long-liberal, I detest them all, but this photo sums it up nicely. 

And by the way, if I had to choose, I'd take Gonorrhea, and then probably Ron Paul... but definitely Gonorrhea first. 

And I wanted to share this photo too. I like it. It's how I operate. If I were to be murdered, I'd want a full bladder anyway. There'd be more for the killer to clean up, and maybe he'd even get a case of Gonorrhea, or even worse, a case of Ron Paul... or WORSE: Rick Santorum.