As it turns out, I'm really stupid

I really like my shampoo and conditioner. They're made by "YES to Carrots". It smells nice, so even though it makes my hair turn into a fluffy disaster, I still use it. Well they make other products too. This is fine, except that apparently I cannot read basic English, rendering me feeling dumber than usual. What am I talking about, you ask? I found another product in the store made by the excited carrot people. I smelled it, and since I liked the smell, it's all that mattered. For a week, I rubbed this fine smelling goop all over my body after I showered, and even on my face last night before I went sleeping. Every day, when I had my shower, I kept thinking, "My legs are so slippery, and I haven't even used soap yet. Huh..." But today, while I was in the bathroom again, I stopped, out of sheer boredom, to read the back of the tube, you know, in case I didn't understand how to use lotion. The back says "Wet face. Massage in a bit of product and rinse. It's not rocket science, but it is mighty awesome". Well thank goodness I'm not a rocket scientist, although I do pride myself on my ability to read and interpret basic English. Anyway, I was confused by the directions on the back, because, as I recall, one puts lotion on dry skin, and then doesn't rinse it off. In a moment of lost perplexity, I turned the tube around and read the LARGE orange title that says "Daily Cream Facial Cleanser". CLEANSER, stupid, not LOTION. So I've been rubbing facial cleanser all over my face and body, and then not rinsing it off until my next day's shower. I'm mildly embarrassed but, at least I bathe.

Another funny that happened this week happened as a sort of conversation triangle between my parents and me. I called my mom to tell her that I thought of a great birthday present for my dad, who turns a nice age this year that's a multiple of 5. I think he might read this blog so I'm not gonna say what it is. We have the same birthday, (every year), and so when I start thinking about my birthday, I also start thinking about his. This year I'm going to make him something that's really special and really fitting for him. I told my mom what it was. She seemed mostly uninterested, but I think that's because the Bachelorette was on, and not because my idea sucks. Then a few days later, I told my dad that I was making him something really special for his birthday, and that he'd really love it. Not one to be kept out of a secret loop, he called my mom. He said, "So Mischief told me that she was going to make me something for my birthday, and that it's special and that I'd love it. This may be way out of left field, but... is she pregnant?" No, no I am not pregnant. And I'd like to think that my dad knows that I wouldn't come waddling in 8 months pregnant at the time of our birthday, and be like "Surprise... I'm knocked up and really wanted to tell you, but I just thought this secret would be so fun." But if I were pregnant, I'd name it one of the names from my previous blog, about idiot parents naming their kids idiot names.


In the spirit of Christmas, I got into some online fight banter with some people on Pinterest. People will not stop posting photos of Jesus quotes, God quotes, (since Jesus and God are both talking directly to them), and quotes about how amazing their faith is. Last time I checked, faith was personal, and should not be taken to the shove-it-in-everyone's-face level a la Kim Kardashian and her stupid face/voice/ideas/clothes/wedding/divorce/crying/pathetic attempts to stay in the spotlight. Anyway, I made some people mad. Oops. My comment was based on the following photo:

We are allowed to comment on these photos, and I simply said "He did not die for my sins". I wrote this not to stir the pot, so to speak, but because I'm sick of religious quotes popping up when I'm trying to design my dream treehouse or pick out the perfect do-it-yourself craft that I'll never actually accomplish. So, with my simple and non-threatening comment, I received a lot of backlash. I was called ignorant, lost, and stupid. I argued my case, all the while being inundated with people telling me that the gates of heaven await me, and that to get there, I need to accept Jesus as my savior, and that I can't possibly be leading a fulfilling life without him. But I DO have a fulfilling life. It's friday night at 10:31, and I'm already in my bathrobe. I bowled two games tonight, had some beers, and now I'm in the dark next to my cat who may or may not be in a coma. No, he's not. I just woke him up. He's lucid. My life is very full. I like to drink alcohol and be loud. I go to school and talk to sick people. I drive my car. I eat lunch. I like garlic. I bought a new yoga mat. I will clean my bathroom tomorrow. I read a news article on transgender children today. I made cookies. I made a to do list today and accomplished everything on it except for going to the bank. I remembered to wash my hands after bowling. I went to the doctor today. I successfully ordered from a restaurant. My life is VERY full. What the hell are these people talking about? Here's some of the kind words and related crap I heard from others:



Oh, let me remind you, all I said was "He didn't die for my sins...."


Ashley Blair-Hansen: Shut up if you don't agree then font comment. None of us are going to care about your ignorant answer to this picture so MOVE ALONG!!!

Nicely said, Ashley. How very Christian of you. What's a font comment? Was this picture a question? ASS. 

Lisa Durant: He did die for your sins. You also have the free will to accept his gift of salvation. I will pray that when you die (because you will) you will have accepted his gift so that you may spend eternity in Heaven with Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior. Hope to be your future Sister in Christ!!!!

No, I already said he didn't die for my sins. And thanks for putting in parentheses that I'm going to die. I hadn't considered that before. Sister in Christ? What is that?


Me: Yeah, I'm Jewish, so no, Jesus didn't die for my sins. To the person who said "Shut up", that's a real Christian thing to do.... just because I don't agree. I didn't say anything bad about Jesus, just that he didn't die for me. And I wonder why I'm happy NOT being a Christian. Oh and PLEASE don't pray for me. My life is filled with abundance and happiness without needing to reach anywhere except from within to find my own strength. I choose not to believe, based on my religion, which doesn't not ascribe to Jesus, and also because I'm happy the way I am. I'm a good, decent human, and just because I don't believe in Jesus doesn't mean I'm lost. And calling me ignorant really does you a disservice, Ashley, as you have absolutely no idea who I am or what I stand for. YOUR point is based on ignorance.

Good job, Mischief!

Shayle Figueroa: Amen! God is the reason I am alive, and He has blessed me with an amazing life! Without God leading our lives, we will fail miserably! God is good all the time! Thank you God for sending your Son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may be saved! :)

OHHHHHHHHHH, now I realized I'm such a failure. Womp womp. 

Amber Weeks: He gives us a 'choice' to love Him, live for Him and live a life complimentary to His kindness .... one thing Jesus can't do is make you love Him. He can only pull at your heart or give you moments to surrender to His unfailing love ... He is Savior, who never lets you down, who loves you when no one else will ... Religion is of man. Jesus is Son of God. Like with any relationship, we can't force anyone to love us, like wise with Jesus, He can't force you to love and accept Him. But someday, every knee will bow at His thrown. It is just something to think about ... He is my Savior. He lives. He speaks. He protects. He loves. He is gentle. He disciplines me. He is my Jesus. He could be yours too ... In the end, it is not what the 'world' believes but it is what is written in the Word ... Jesus is Lord, call upon Him and you will be saved. ..... your choice, but you will live with it for eternity. I am a Christian but by no means shove anything down anyones throats .. I just simply put it, its your choice, you have to live and die with it.

He's your savior? Okay, fine. That's cool. He lives, he speaks? No. He's dead. And if he's speaking to you, and you hear voices in your head, I suggest you see a doctor. Jesus could be mine too? Well, herpes could be mine if I wanted it too, but I don't. And if he lives, where the fuck is he? Is he playing a round of golf or maybe dining in a vegan restaurant? Is he fly fishing in Idaho, or possibly gambling in Atlantic City? Maybe he's at a gay pride parade. Wouldn't that be rad?


So that's how I've been spending some hours... dealing with people who think I'm in idiot for being a Jewish person. There were a LOT more posts, and I made even more amazing points, so don't worry. And they think I'm an idiot... I mean, sure, I'm an idiot, but not because Jesus and I aren't besties. It's because I have the mind of a 5-year-old parrot, and I don't feel the need to have religion guide me around like a blind gopher. So yeah... maybe I stirred the pot, and maybe I did it because I'm really bored, but I think I got my point across and I'm hoping that the next time I get myself into a predicament such as this one, I'll be more of an asshole and really piss some people off. That said, I got a lot of encouraging and nice comments from folks like me. A few of them suggested I drink to ward off the judgment cape that was put on me. And I did just that. I had 3 cups of beer while I bowled one of the worst games of my life, and I feel much better. (Click photo if it's too small for your soggy eyes).

Joseph definitely has some balls.

I'm fine with religion, but please, don't shove it down my throat. This isn't an intubation.


And now: Things I like...

I hope this onion is named Dexter.

Mischief also hates pushups. 

Right? 

T-rex never gets old

30% of CNN.com readers think it's okay to let child molesters go free if they haven't been prosecuted within 5 years? Well, that's fucked up. 

Riveting news. That kid's a dick. 

I know I said last time that my next post, (this one), would be about something else, but I forgot what that something else is, and I'm too lazy to look. Maybe I'll look sometime soon and keep my promise to write about whatever it was.


Happy birthday, Jesus. Love, Jewface.