I didn't do a single thing today. I finally showered around 7:45... PM, and put my scrub bottoms and pj top on for a night in with Toddlers and Tiaras. The show is shit. I know this. But I'm from the south, and this show makes me the opposite of homesick.... homewell! And I walk away being prouder 'n hell about bein' from the great state 'o Georgia. DISCLAIMER: I'm a Jewish person, so I'm automatically exempt from the "redneck" category. Plus I went to hippie school and have a mother with dreadlocks and a father who's a Buddhist aromatherapy nerd... although he does drive a Ford F150 (for the dogs...). Anyway, back to the fact that I did nothing today. I made a protein pumpkin smoothie which was awesome. I made juice in my juicer, which was decent. I made soup that sucks because I was too lazy to make it good, and I had some potatoes with sour cream. I love sour cream. I'm really on a kick.
Speaking of hitting rock bottom, the GOP race is really heating up. Herman Cain appears to have really blown off his own balls by having some affairs and sexually harassing every woman he's ever worked with. But if he has any redeeming qualities, I guess I can assume he makes a good pizza. Rick Perry just seems wasted all the time, and apparently thinks that liberals lack morals. Michelle Bachman looks like a sociopath and is possibly scarier than Sarah Palin. She also has a husband, Marcus, who is the GAYEST "straight" man ever, and he's made it his life mission from God to convert all the homosexuals living in sin to a life of heterosexuality and constant erectile dysfunction. Newt Gingrich is a raging douce bag, Ron Paul is.... pointless, and Mitt Romney is a pussy. I saw this today, and after I was done laughing, I posted it up for my friends to see. If this boner becomes president, I'm moving to Australia, and taking Meatball with me, for good measure and protection from the sun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0PAJNntoRgA
WHAT A DICK.
My dishwasher is still working, in case anyone was worried about that. No dishes have gone back to my bathtub, and there's no lake on my kitchen floor.
Now that school's over for 5 weeks, I can concentrate on the little things that I've been passing up.
1. Laundry
2. Clean car
3. Before doing laundry, smelling all clothes in the pile because I mixed the dirty and the clean.
4. Catch up on Dexter. We are only 8 episodes behind. No biggie.
5. Leisure read. First book: Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi.
6. Exercise. Yoga, walking, gym. Dancing while a little buzzed?
....Several days later:
I completed laundry, cleaning of car, (sort of... I removed all the garbage and my scrubs that were in there for 2 months, and also several empty cans of coconut water), smelled my clothes before I did the laundry, and have exercised LOTS. I caught up just a little on Dexter, and have yet to get through "Everyone Poops", although I've located the book, which was half the battle. I've been to yoga the last 5 days. I can honestly say that I'm the LEAST flexible person in every class, and that I'm suddenly having difficulty deciphering my left from my right. "Bend forward and press your right palm into your left leg while you bend 90 degrees". I hear "bend forward and press your left palm into your right leg while you bend 90 degrees." Does this make me dyslexic?
Why, you ask, has it taken me a week to come back to this post? Because I found Pinterest. If you don't know what it is, don't seek it out. It will eat your hours away. I have an account with them, and basically you can find photos of crap you like and then "pin it" into one of your boards and the photo automatically links to the page of origination. I tried, in much greater detail, to describe it to my mom, and she has no idea what I was talking about. Anyway, I have a board specifically dedicated to forts and tree houses. Tree houses and forts are among the greatest things on earth. If I could, I'd live in a tree house with a fort on the inside. I also have a board about craft ideas. Inspired to actually do something with my life, I decided to perform a task that I found on Pinterest. While searching through "natural hair care", I found a recipe for moisturizing hair. A few egg yolks and half an avocado. Here's a lesson: When you're washing eggs out of your hair like any sain person, do not wash it out with hot water. Why? Because it scrambles the eggs.
Here are some photos I like.
Another day, while on Pinterest, I found this. I adore it. There is nothing more pleasing than watching this girl's face morph into this: I've never said it before, and I'll likely never say it again, but thanks, MTV.
The following were not found on Pinterest.
I have many leather-bound books, all of which were made out of this guy's face. The man is Billy Graham, one of America's resident assholes. Also, I love his multi-colored teeth.
Sexual harassment shouldn't really be a qualifier as a political "next step". I hope they make a movie outta this guy, and I hope he's played by Mike Tyson. Also, if your eyes are shit, just click on the photo. I'll get bigger for you.
New subject: This segment is called:
STUPID SHIT I'VE BEEN GOOGLING LATELY
I went back and looked at my online history, and here's a sampling of what I've been looking up.
It's this guy.
I have no idea how the military works, and about 2 minutes into my investigation, I learned that it was too much work to spend time attempting to understand it.
Well, frogs and toads are different in several ways. Frogs lay eggs in clumps, while toads lay in lines. Frogs are skinnier and toads are fatter. Frogs have smooth, slimy skin, and toads have drier, lumpier skin. Frogs have longer legs and webbed feet. Toads are smelly and apparently taste bad, which wards of hungry predators like me. Toads walk wherever they go on land, while frogs hop. And according to a highly un-reputable site, "True frogs are the species of frogs that most people think of as frogs and not toads. True toads are what people think of as toads and not frogs." WHAT?
Yeah, dogs do see in color, but they aren't as bright or vivid. They have less light receptors in the eyes than humans do. So they are really just color blind and are not, in fact, black-and-white-sighted.
I didn't find out any information this. So, no???
Why not? Because donkeys have 62 chromosomes, and horses have 64 chromosomes. A mule gets 32 chromosomes from mom horse, and 31 chromosomes from dad donkey, giving it 63 chromosomes. So there is an extra chromosome from horse mom that doesn't have a match. This means that during the time the egg and sperm meet to make a baby, that baby doesn't get any sex cells made because of the extra chromosome. This extra chromosome is no problem for the mule, really. It cannot reproduce, but that's the only known issue it has. Having an extra chromosome in people can be lethal, but since mules aren't people, we can't apply the same rules. Also, a mule is made when a female horse is knocked up by a male donkey. When a male horse knocks up a female donkey, the baby is called a hinny. This is because someone smart person combined the name Jinny, which is what female donkey is called, with the word horse, and they got hinny.
Or maybe God just made mules and hinnys that way....
And I just like this one
Next time, I'll be displaying some of the amazing facebook posts I've received over the years. They really highlight all that is right in the world.
First of all, I can't believe nobody comments on these posts. I briefly dabbled with a blog, and even though I knew people were reading it, it was always exciting to get comments...kinda like getting snail mail. So, from this point forward, I will be a dedicated incoherent responder.
ReplyDeleteSecond, the pictures: Thanks for the turd sign. Hillarious, and i'm passing that on. However, I'll never forgive you for the fat guy picture. That just can't been unseen.
Finally, I was just telling Lauren that being IN the Army, I'll happily try and give you the Barney / elementary explanation about our rank structure if you're still curious.
Otherwise, I'm thoroughly enjoying the blog. Since you're off for a bit, should we be expecting a little more frequency?
Thanks, John. I'll write one very soon. Maybe tomorrow even... You never know. And please, yes, explain to me the military rankings. What does one need to accomplish to move up in the ranks? Can you move down in the ranks, like if you're bad or something?
ReplyDeleteLauren tells me you were in Army, or National Guard... or are those the same thing? Obviously, I'm not a service member.
Sorry about the fat guy picture. I've actually seen a documentary on him and he's pretty lovely. Seems like a nice dude.
I'm glad you're enjoying the blog. Maybe I'll dedicate one to you... so when I'm famous, you'll be like, "That crazy chick gave me a shout out once!" And people will think you're cooler, which is always a plus.
Send your friends over. I think I have 10 subscribers. Unimpressive.
All my hot love, Mischief
Yep, I'm in the National Guard...which is the Army, except part time. And the state owns me. So, I go through all the same training that Active Duty (read: full time)goes through, except I only have to show up and play army once a month, unless we get deployed (which has been happening roughly once every 3 years during both wars).
ReplyDeleteAlright, here's the easiest way I can think of explaining the rank structure (this is pretty applicable across the board whether it's Army, Navy, AF, whatever). You have two groups: Officers (me) and Enlisted. To be an officer, you have to have been to college and go to additional training and you're technically in charge. There are 10 ranks of officers, from Lieutenant up to General, but for simplicity we'll call it O-1 through O-10. The enlisted side kind of works the same way. You don't have to have gone to college to enlist (think, the guys who just joined up out of high school), but out of the gate you don't really have any responsibility other than your job. There are also 10 enlisted ranks...E-1 through E-10. When you hit E6, you're typically matched up with a young officer as basically a leadership pair. That's mostly because young lieutenants are typically a day out of college and don't know anything about anything.
You typically move upwards in the ranks based on time and performance. You can absolutely get knocked down in rank if you're a bonehead, but you typically have to do something REALLY stupid. If you're just generally a turd, it's more likely that you just won't advance, and you'll got booted after your first contract is up.
Ok, that was much longer than I intended, and I'm sure it created more questions than it answered, so I'll quit while i'm ahead. I would obviously appreciate any and all shoutouts, but let's be honest, now when I'm famous YOU can one day say "That AWESOME guy once explained rank structure to me." Don't mention it :-p
-John
What?
ReplyDelete:) Thanks, John. Now I'm thinking of joining. Does Army let you booze daily if you're enlisted? If so, count me in.
I ate too much dessert so I'm gonna go sleeping now. I'll write a new post tomorrow, mmmkay? K.
John, I wrote you a new post.
ReplyDelete